Review
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Title: Let God Love You: Why We Don’t -How We Can
Author: Wendy Ulrich
Publisher: Deseret Book
Genre: Doctrinal/Inspiration
Year Published: 2016
Number of Pages: 223
Binding: Softcover
ISBN 13: 978-1-62972-200-9
Price: $17.99
Reviewed by Trudy Thompson for the Association for Mormon Letters
Relationships are one of those tricky things that we deal with in life. We make them, we break them. We love them, we hate them. We try, we fail. Relationships bring up every emotion known to mankind- love and hate, despair and hope, joy and sadness, anger and peace, trust and betrayal, and so very many more. We often struggle in our relationships. Whether our struggles be with our spouse, children, parents, in-laws, co-workers, neighbors, friends, or fellow church members and leaders, we are constantly re-evaluating where we went wrong, what we can do better, and why some people just are the way they are.
But, there is one relationship that should be our primary focus above all others- that of our individual and personal relationship with God. The complexity of our human relationships spills over into our association with God. Our associations between God and man, and between humans, parallel each other in many ways.
In her enlightening new book “Let God Love You: Why We Don’t -How We Can,” Wendy Ulrich uses her experiences as a psychologist, along with stories and lessons from her own life, to clearly show us why we often keep God far away, and how we might heal enough to more fully receive the love He offers us.
The author begins by stating that prayer is how we express our love for God and invite His love to find us. Even when we feel that God does not come through for us in answering our prayers, we must take care to not give up on the quality of our relationship with Him.
Sister Ulrich sums this up eloquently by writing: “Our relationship with God , like any relationship, goes through cycles of both closeness and distance, injury and repair. Heartaches, doubts, and trials do not affect us equally. Our stamina and skill for relating to God are impacted by how skilled we are by relationships in general, how tolerant we are of emotional intimacy, how humbly we can approach our weaknesses, how many different tools we’ve developed for connecting, how preoccupied we are with daily life, how comfortable we’ve become with forgiving and being forgiven, and how deeply we’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past. There are many reasons we keep God at a distance, all the while thinking He is the one who chooses to stay away.”
This book is divided into two sections. The first, titled “The Journey of Relationship,” considers some of the ways our relationship with God may develop over time and see where we are on this journey. The second section, titled “Connecting With God,” uses lines from the Lord’s Prayer to suggest opportunities for healing and deepening our closeness to God at any stage of our journey. Readers will explore how our early family attachments may have either opened our hearts to connection with God, or left us wary and over vigilant to danger. We learn the possible roles of anxiety, temptation and trauma, and excessive busyness in our relationship with God, and find tools we can use to be more open, present and trusting.
In a unique way, the author walks us through the various stages of long term committed relationships, whether those relationships are with a spouse or with our Heavenly Father. She explains that in these relationships, studies have shown that there are four predictable stages that evolve over time. She outlines these stages and teaches how easily we can correlate them between our mortal associations and our closeness with our Maker.
The first stage is known as the honeymoon period. We are all aware of how starry eyed newlyweds feel that everything is perfect, our spouse is perfect and we will always be happy and will stay married forever. Without realizing it , we are of course living in a fantasy world at this time. The spiritual counterpart of this stage is compared to a girls camp setting where there are tender testimonyies offered at the end of the week, where they feel prayers have been answered, and that they are spiritually in tune. This stage is seen as the beginning of a connection and commitment to God. It is often marked by public declarations of our new found faith and testimony.
The second stage is called the power struggle. In marriage, this is characterized by the feeling that partners no longer understand each other, that they are no longer married to the partner of their dreams. Couples often work things out and apologize. But then problems return or new ones develop. The value of this stage is the introduction of realism, and a push to grow together. This stage is the one where we struggle to bring our will into perfect alignment with God, and to accept His timetable. It takes effort, self reflection and repentance to be willing to surrender our all to God. Often problems develop that don’t go away in our selected time frame. We slowly come to realize that a lot of these problems will not be fully resolved in this life.
The third stage is the most dangerous in matrimony. This is the withdrawal stage. Couples believe that they have done everything they could think of to save their marriage but there is a distance between them. They feel they should go their separate ways. They stay together for various reasons- children, finances, and the pressure of other family members. After awhile, they find themselves in a state of self awareness and personal growth. They realize their expectations of marriage and life have dramatically changed. They also gradually decide they like each other after all. This stage in our bond with God is where we feel like turning away from Him. Sometimes people feel that they do not understand or can figure things out in their spiritual lives. They often feel like they don’t measure up. They feel they need a break from religion, or that they need to move to a new ward, or that they should join a different church. An example of this despair and discouragement is outlined in the poignant story of Joseph Smith languishing in the Liberty Jail, where he cries out, “Oh God, where art thou? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye…..behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?” In the throes of such extremities, we find it immensely challenging to keep moving forward. As we struggle to keep going through the motions of church activity, accepting callings and such, over time we finally find ourselves in the 4th stage with God.
The fourth stage of our journey in relationships is known as the acceptance and renewal point. In marriage, this is the time when the dream of discovering or being the perfect spouse dies. There is a deeper acceptance of each other. Not everyone will reach this stage in their mortal lives. or stay in it permanently once they do. Not all problems get solved, but we learn to walk around them. In our spiritual lives, this stage may begin with underwhelming declarations of faith or conviction, or a tentative reinvestment of living the gospel. But then we may begin to think that maybe we are not crazy, we are just a bit confused. But there are some things here that we really value. We come to a realization that God has his reasons for how He runs things, and that church leaders are just people too, without all the magic answers for our lives. We settle into a deeper humility about the uncertainty of mortal life. We find ourselves more willing to commit to our personal choices even though not all of our problems get solved. We settle into what could be called a comfortableness regarding our lives and our relationships within them- especially with our Heavenly Father.
Having at least some doubts or struggles is part of the journey of a long term, committed relationship with anyone. Those challenges do not always completely go away, but they do not have to define us either. God desires to be close to each of us. He loves us despite our doubts, fears, mistakes, and shortcomings. The challenge is to keep moving forward, at whatever pace we are able.
This is an uplifting, enlightening, practical, and inspiring book. With the addition of workbook pages in the back where simple questions are asked and meant to be answered, exercises and activities are suggested, and thoughts to ponder are listed, it is also a volume of learning and growth. Early teens and up would benefit from this ground breaking new book.
Elder D. Todd Christofferson has so eloquently summed it up. “You don’t have to be perfect or the greatest person who ever graced the earth or the best of anything to be with Him. I hope you will take the time….to sit for a few quiet moments and let the Savior’s Spirit warm you and reassure you of the worthiness of your service, of your offering, of your life….Let that moment be one of rest and refreshing and reassurance and renewal.” To this I add- Amen!