101 Nauvoo-Related Riddles

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I’ve noticed that this blog is about as eclectic as can be imagined and so I want to share with you something that can’t really be anywhere else but that I’ve long wanted to share with someone.

I spent winter semester 2000 as a college student in Nauvoo’s shortlived Joseph Smith Academy. The experience was the inspiration for my first (and still only) nonfiction work. At one point, Peace, Love, & Gingerbread was going to be Deseret Book’s first foray into ebooks, but then the guy in charge of ebooks was canned and that was that. And so the only place PL&G exists is on my personal site (more background; table of contents). I suppose at this point I should just make a free ebook to make it more accessible, but I’m skeptical that anyone would care.

That said, I was exceedingly proud at the time of this chapter of Nauvoo-related riddles. Some haven’t aged well, some only make sense in context of the larger book, some require ready knowledge of Church history—but at least a few of them are genuinely funny. If, that is, you have the sense of humor of an eight-year-old.

I give them to you now for use in all appropriate venues including but not limited to General Conference opening remarks, Mormon History Association presentations, slumber parties, pitch meetings, bookclubs, Air France safety briefings, and sandwich class.

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1. Q: Why did Nauvoo’s printing shop go through so much thread?

A: It was run by a Taylor

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1. Q: What did Joseph say to Don Carlos when Don Carlos considered getting

another brother to work for him?

A: Hyrum

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1. Q: What will Nauvoo’s wine industry say if you ask how it’s doing?

A: “I’m vine”

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1. Q: Why did one prominent Nauvoo family go into gun manufactory rather

than vegetable farming?

A: No one wants vegetables that are Browning

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1. Q: Which Iowa chief got sick of people asking him what the O stands for?

A: Chief Keokuk

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1. Q: Why is the main drag in Nauvoo called Mulholland Drive?

A: It’s the only place in town you can mul, holl, and drive

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1. Q: What did Governor Ford say when he wanted the Saints to get out of the

state and out of his way?

A: Honk! Honk!

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1. Q: What did Edward Partridge tell the Saints as their bishop when they were

down?

A: Come on, get happy!

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1. Q: What did Edward Partridge tell the Saints when he first spoke to them as

their bishop?

A: I think I love you so what am I so afraid of?

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1. Q: Speaking of Edward Partridge, what didn’t he name one of his kids?

A: Cassidy

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1. Q: What early Saint wore well and signed his name with quite the flourish?

A: Levi Hancock

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1. Q: What would an old Nauvoo teenager say when he needed a new shirt?

A: Come on, Dad! Cut me some flax!

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1. Q: Why did the polygamous Mormon cross the road?

A: To get to the other bride

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1. Q: What happened when the Mormon who was crossing the road got hit by a

car?

A: He went to the other side

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1. Q: What happened to the car?

A: It ended up bent in the side

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1. Q: Why was there confusion over who else was with Joseph Smith, Hyrum

Smith and John Taylor at Carthage?

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A: All folks had heard was that it was either Will or Richard

1. Q: Whom did the Saints not want to run into?

A: Thomas Sharp

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1. Q: What was the great irony regarding Joseph Smith’s Red Brick Store?

A: Joseph was a most unprofitable prophet

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1. Q: In old Nauvoo, who got everything he wanted?

A: The 500lb gorilla

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1. Q: What’s sharing?

A: It’s when you have a sandwich. And you give it to me. And I eat it.

Mmm. Sandwich. I like sandwiches.

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1. Q: What was sharing in Old Nauvoo?

A: It was when someone had a sandwich. And they gave it to me. And I ate

it. Mmm. Sandwich. I like sandwiches.

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1. Q: What would’ve you found had you brought a bunch of bananas to old

Nauvoo?

A: Mormonkeys

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Warsaw thug with a single facial scar?

A: Pretty

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Warsaw thug who’s just taken a bath?

A: Disguised

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Warsaw thug at the Seventies Hall?

A: Lost

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Warsaw thug with kids?

A: Confused

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross an 1840s Warsaw thug with a banana

peel?

A: A real slippery character

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross the Carthage Greys with Big Brother?

A: Mobthink

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross Thomas Sharp with a newspaper?

A: Libel

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross bread, peanut butter and jelly?

A: A sandwich

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1. Q: What did Louisa Pratt refuse to let her husband name their son?

A: Addison Haddison

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1. Q: What did the pioneers say as they set off from Nauvoo?

A: That it was very plain what they had to do

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1. Q: What did Emma tell Joseph after a spy dropped by to tell her Thomas

Sharp had taken the night off from filling his newspaper with untruths?

A: Hush my darling, be still my darling, the liar sleeps tonight

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1. Q: What’s at the end of a Nauvoo rainbow?

A: W—same as everywhere else

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1. Q: What’s sharing at a booksigning?1

A: It’s when you bring a sandwich. And you give it to me. And I eat it.

Mmm. Sandwich. I like sandwiches.

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1. Q: What’s the difference between Joseph Smith and Benjamin Disraeli?

A: One is a prophet and seer, and the other is a sophist peer

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1. Q: What’s the difference between William Law and a hardware stores

purchasing agent?

A: One’s a lying bastard and the other’s buying plaster

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Nauvoo Saint?

A: Brother

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1. Q: What do you call an 1840s Saint with a mustache?

A: Brother Mustache

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1. Q: What if he were to shave?

A: Brother Babyface

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1. Q: What if he weren’t a he at all?

A: Brother Sister

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1. Q: What if you crossed him with the President of the United States?

A: Brother President

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1. Q: Not President Brother?

A: No

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1. Q: What if you crossed him with a rhinoceros and he wasn’t a he again?

A: Oh, brother!

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross Star Wars with one of the original

apostles?

A: Luke “Skywalker” Johnson

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1. Q: What you get when you cross a bad year of Nauvoo High School

basketball with deciduous trees?

A: Falling Leifs

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross bread, tuna fish and a pickle?

A: A sandwich

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1. Q: What’s the difference between corduroy and my friend Emilee?

A: One’s a ridged fabric and the other yells “Fudge? Grab it!”

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1. Q: What’s the difference between a Mormon and a squirrel?

A: One chooses to eschew caffeine, and one just chooses cashews

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1. Q: What’s the difference between a Regional Representative and an old

Nauvoo swineherd?

A: One’s phased out; one housed fat

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1. Q: Which original apostle was wet and clammy?

A: Thomas Marsh

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1. Q: Which governor of Illinois drove the Saints crazy?

A: Governor Ford

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1. Q: Which original apostle isn’t noted for rubbing his belly?

A: David Patten

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross New Zealand with the Nauvoo Temple

architect?

A: William Kiweeks

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross William Clayton with William

Shakespeare?

A: MoTab singing:

The king’s a beggar, now the play is done:

All is well ended, if this suit be won

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mississippi waterfowl with Old Glory?

A: A star-spangled duck.

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross bread, cheese and strawberry jam?

A: A sandwich

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1. Q: How did the JSA student know the correct answer to the Andrew Carnegie

test question was “Robber Baron”?

A: He remembered Carnegie founded U.S. Steal

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student write notes to his family on a big rock down by

the river?

A: He heard it was stationary

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1. Q: What’s the difference between the Prodigal Son and Pitt’s Brass Band?

A: One was lost but is found and one is fond of being loud

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1. Q: The newly rebuilt Nauvoo temple was invited to a party of notable

American buildings. While there, he couldn’t find the Department of

Defense’s headquarters anywhere. Finally, the temple asked the Space

Needle where the place was. What did the Space Needle reply?

A: He’s not here; he’s Pentagon!

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1. Q: What JSA faculty couple had a superiority complex?

A: The Bests

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1. Q: What JSA faculty couple fancied themselves musically inclined?

A: The Toones

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1. Q: What JSA faculty couple was terribly threatening?

A: The Warners

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1. Q: What JSA faculty couple only ever plays two-thirds of any boardgame?

A: The Backmans

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1. Q: Which JSA faculty couple was cute as buttons?

A: The Dahls

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1. Q: Which early apostle do you get when you burn shells and bone?

A: Amasa Lyman

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1. Q: If Parley P. Pratt had been born in Utah, what might his name have been?

A: ParLee ParKer Pratt

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student start hanging out with the tall tree down the

street?

A: It was poplar

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1. Q: Which native bird would it have been exceedingly odd to find in that

particular tree?

A: The cuckoo

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a colic baby in one of

the Nauvoo Ward’s packed summertime sacrament meetings?

A: Something big and grey that thousands of people wish would just shut up.

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross a mongoose with JSA cafeteria rice?

A: Ricky-ticky-sticky

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1. Q: What do you get when you cross the Mississippi in an umbrella?

A: Wet

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1. Q: What’s the difference between Andrew Carnegie and an autumnal

Mississippi duck?

A: One’s a robber baron with dough and one’s a bobber rarin’ to go

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1. Q: What’s the difference between the Old House Bookstore and the Fudge

Factory?

A: A new belt

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1. Q: What’s the difference between a JSA student and an aging golfer?

A: One talks in the parlor and one tells lore about par

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1. Q: What dietary supplement was the JSA student sure to take the days he

didn’t wear his wrinkle-free shirt?

A: Iron

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student insist on Grade A eggs for breakfast?

A: You are what you eat

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student drive the van right through the plate glass

window rather than stopping?

A: He thought everyone yelled, “Break!”

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1. Q: A yield sign came to the yearly party of Nauvoo stop signs and looked

anxiously around for a good stop sign friend of his. Finally, unable to find

him, he asked Falling Rocks where he was. What did Falling Rocks

reply?

A: He’s not here, he’s octagon!

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1. Q: Which original apostle was always difficult to find?

A: Orson Hyde

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1. Q: Which historical Nauvoo group was cozy with the Care Bears?

A: The Icarians

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1. Q: Which apostle that apostatized in Missouri really should have hung on

because he really would have felt at home in Commerce?

A: Thomas Marsh

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student refuse to shake hands with cows?

A: He didn’t like to meet his meat

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student out on a walk in the flats with a bunch of girls

suddenly break out into strains of “Unchained Melody?”

A: He was the sole man

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student leave his literature class as they read scene B4?

A: He’d seen it before

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1. Q: What was the elderly Brigham Young sued for when a longtime fan finally

met him?

A: False advertising

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1. Q: What kind of cane, even in his extensive collection, did Brigham Young

refuse to ever own?

A: A hairy one from the wilds of Canada

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1. Q: What confused the gentile merchants trading in Nauvoo more than

anything?

A: The apparent desire of the locals for more munns (whatever the heck

those are)

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1. Q: What did the pioneers like to eat?

A: Food

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1. Q: What do JSA students like to eat?

A: Food

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1. Q: What do NRI missionaries like to eat?

A: Food

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1. Q: What do fish like to eat?

A: Food

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1. Q: For what reason did the JSA student carry around a wood board?

A: Food

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1. Q: For what reason did the JSA student really carry around a wood board?

A: So would he be board, the wood board could be bored

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1. Q: Why did the JSA student refuse to change his hair color?

A: He didn’t want to dye so young

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1. Q: Why did the sickly JSA student purchase two prosthetic feet to wear on a

chain around his neck?

A: He wanted two heels

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1. Q: It wasn’t kindness that kept the JSA student from hitting girls, but pure

self-interest—he didn’t want to hurt his hand; how so?

A: He had learned that the only difference between him and a girl was Fe

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1. Q: Nauvoo arrived late to the annual temple-cities party held by Kirtland and

looked anxiously around for her favorite buddy, Portland. Unable to find

him, she finally asked Fresno if he had seen him. What did Fresno reply?

A: He’s not here; he’s Oregon!

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1. Q: Which Bible as Lit lesson encouraged the JSA student to more diligently

attend choir?

A: The one where he learned that the mighty Samson had been bound with

chords

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1. Q: B. H. Roberts arrived late to a party for authors who have written notable

books about Nauvoo. Hoping to meet the author of this book, he looked

all around for me. Unable to find me, he walked over to Gerald N. Lund

and asked where I was. What did Brother Lund say?

A: He’s over Theric